“Carry on”

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Some days this is what fibromyalgia feels like. I know it sounds like an over exaggeration but it really does mean I’m almost always in pain. 

Sometimes it’s low enough that I can ignore it. But there are some days where it feels like I’ve been through a battle. I don’t share this because I want pity or anything, really I just want to raise awareness about fibromyalgia. Some still think it isn’t real, even some doctors. And while it’s not fully understood it is a real illness. 

I first started experiencing symptoms when I was about 15. I went to multiple specialist throughout high school who all said I was completely healthy. And yet I was in excruciating pain more often than not. I finally brought up the possibility of fibromyalgia to my doctor and he said “let’s not open that can of worms just yet.”  Which came across to me as he didn’t care and wasn’t going to help. 

I didn’t get an official diagnosis until 12 years later when I was 27. I spent over a decade just gritting my teeth and pushing through the pain, the fatigue, the myriad of random symptoms which then brought on depression and anxiety. To be quite honest I struggled with suicidal ideation at times. I learned unhealthy coping mechanisms. I would stuff my feelings and pain deep down until it erupted all at once. I became an angry person. I almost lost my marriage because of the person I’d become trying to do everything on my own. 

But through all that I can say I would not be alive today if it wasn’t for God. The strength to keep going when everything seemed hopeless was not my own. The peace that came when things were overwhelming was not my own. The radical change and growth I went through during my separation with my wife was not my own. 

I am not cured, or perfect or free of any of the symptoms from before, but when I hit rock bottom and finally truly started to give it to God things started to improve. I was able to learn healthy coping skills. 

God has given me the strength and hope to “Carry on” when life is hard. I may be beaten but I am not defeated. 

So whatever your battle in life, God is waiting for you to turn to Him. You don’t need to clean yourself up, or become a better person to turn to God. He meets you where you are and truly loves you. Trust me don’t wait till you hit rock bottom, it’s not pleasant. 

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12‬:‭9‬-‭10‬ ‭ESV‬‬